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annabtgI just had an epiphany.
Well, it's something I've kinda known for a while but it feels like it suddenly hit home and started to explain a whole load of things.
I've been feeling pretty much useless since I started going to university. But even before that, a decline had started. I had no inclination to read anymore, or to really *devote* myself to studying for the university admission exams. I had lost the inclination to write L&C, although I did write Harry Potter, but even that was lost after I started with the university.
I have often wondered how come I ended up like this. I used to be a very busy person since I was young; I studied languages, music, did sports, participated in various activities, and that was because I had interest in all those things and *wanted* to do them. And I was actually very good at everything I did, minus the sports. I did my best and it paid.
Then somehow, things changed. I became this person who would like to do a lot of things but can't really be arsed to do them, because it will cut on her free time (most of which goes to waste anyway. I mean, honestly - I could live without refreshing my emails every 5 minutes. I'm not THAT popular.).
You might say that "you got overloaded/tired of this life," and you'd be almost correct. It's something like that, but way more serious and deeper.
Athanasia may remember one time when we were at the Anavryta theater, spending our time during a break. I can't remember exactly when it was, but I think it was during our last year of high school. Probably close to one of the two national holidays that involve marching. We were discussing grades, or something that involved them.
And I remember saying, if not that exactly, something to this effect:
"I don't care about what happens with university. I've gone all my time through school with perfect grades, I've found myself in all the honorary positions at school (σημαιοφόρος, παραστάτης, απουσιολόγος) and I feel accomplished as a student. I feel I've done what I had to do and there's nothing to motivate me to try any further."
There it is.
You try hard as you can to be the best. And sometimes, you actually succeed!
...Then, what?
How much longer can you continue doing something you've already done and perfected?
I may have not gone to university before... but I finished primary school, junior high and high school with excellent grades (top of my class, too).
I may have yet to finish French... but I've already finished English and Spanish.
My motivation is not gone, but satisfied. Which is worse, in a way, because you can't get it back. When you've been there and done that, why go there again?
I intend to finish my studies at the university, of course. It's something necessary, and, while I don't have the zeal to sit down with a Chemistry book and study like there's no tomorrow, or the will to study in order to get a good grade (and quickly!), my field of studies is reasonably enjoyable, definitely interesting, and, at the end of the day, I *do* want to get a university degree.
But really, I think that, as far as self-development and completion is concerned, I'm done with education. Perhaps maybe a little earlier than I should be, but I did my best till here - and my best was repeatedly proved to be the best possible. Not many people can claim that.
I probably need a change of direction. If only partial.
Perhaps that's why my mind keeps drifting to the romance/relationships zone. That's an area of my life I have... not really neglected, but basically failed at. Always falling for the wrong guy etc.. I'm 19 years old plus 7 months plus a few days. Of all that time, my total time as "not-single" amounts to barely over 3 months. That's an awfully bad percentage. And while quality is better than quantity etc. (not that there was any quality in that small quantity -_-), we're talking almost zero experience in the relationships department. My self-development in this area is so far constituted mainly by learning to deal with rejection and bad treatment.
Now, I'm monogamous to a degree that could be considered ridiculous in today's society. Old-fashioned, at least. So I'm not complaining about the lack of relationships - I wouldn't be happy to have been in too many failed relationships.
But given that I'm a person who wants to have a partner in life, who gives priority to family over career, and who feels she is over with one major area of her life, it's probably natural that unconsciously/subconsciously I've started to devote most of my thoughts to that direction.
Unfortunately, that can undoubtedly mean only one thing:
BAD DECISIONS AHOY!
You see, my mentality is already that of a woman in her late twenties or so. Men start thinking that way even later than that. So what are the odds of me finding a male who, by a lucky turn of events, thinks the way I do?
And what are the odds of him being a guy I'll actually be interested in? I mean, yes, I'm looking for a nice guy who wants to find a girl for a serious, long-term relationship (that would be me), but he must also be attractive, or at least able to attract me with some effort (in which case he should be willing to make the effort, apparently). I'm too young to just "settle" for someone who's "all right".
So? I'll probably end up with someone handsome who will sell me a bunch of lies I will easily fall for. Or an all right guy in a dull relationship I will eventually get sick of. Or someone serious and handsome, but who has very different views about life. Or someone who will attract me for whatever reason, and whom I will be dumping one week later thinking 'What was I THINKING??' Or all of those, successively. You have to kiss many frogs to find your prince and all that.
Welcome Anna, the nymphomaniac. *headdesk*
It's kind of pitiful how my thoughts always end up revolving around that area, really. And sadly, the only advice that applies is "get a boyfriend".
But asdfrgh STANDARDS! ISSUES! ETHICS! EXPECTATIONS!
And now that I have successfully managed to turn a decent session of profound musings to the diary of Bridget Jones, I shall leave you. Take care.
~Anna.
Well, it's something I've kinda known for a while but it feels like it suddenly hit home and started to explain a whole load of things.
I've been feeling pretty much useless since I started going to university. But even before that, a decline had started. I had no inclination to read anymore, or to really *devote* myself to studying for the university admission exams. I had lost the inclination to write L&C, although I did write Harry Potter, but even that was lost after I started with the university.
I have often wondered how come I ended up like this. I used to be a very busy person since I was young; I studied languages, music, did sports, participated in various activities, and that was because I had interest in all those things and *wanted* to do them. And I was actually very good at everything I did, minus the sports. I did my best and it paid.
Then somehow, things changed. I became this person who would like to do a lot of things but can't really be arsed to do them, because it will cut on her free time (most of which goes to waste anyway. I mean, honestly - I could live without refreshing my emails every 5 minutes. I'm not THAT popular.).
You might say that "you got overloaded/tired of this life," and you'd be almost correct. It's something like that, but way more serious and deeper.
Athanasia may remember one time when we were at the Anavryta theater, spending our time during a break. I can't remember exactly when it was, but I think it was during our last year of high school. Probably close to one of the two national holidays that involve marching. We were discussing grades, or something that involved them.
And I remember saying, if not that exactly, something to this effect:
"I don't care about what happens with university. I've gone all my time through school with perfect grades, I've found myself in all the honorary positions at school (σημαιοφόρος, παραστάτης, απουσιολόγος) and I feel accomplished as a student. I feel I've done what I had to do and there's nothing to motivate me to try any further."
There it is.
You try hard as you can to be the best. And sometimes, you actually succeed!
...Then, what?
How much longer can you continue doing something you've already done and perfected?
I may have not gone to university before... but I finished primary school, junior high and high school with excellent grades (top of my class, too).
I may have yet to finish French... but I've already finished English and Spanish.
My motivation is not gone, but satisfied. Which is worse, in a way, because you can't get it back. When you've been there and done that, why go there again?
I intend to finish my studies at the university, of course. It's something necessary, and, while I don't have the zeal to sit down with a Chemistry book and study like there's no tomorrow, or the will to study in order to get a good grade (and quickly!), my field of studies is reasonably enjoyable, definitely interesting, and, at the end of the day, I *do* want to get a university degree.
But really, I think that, as far as self-development and completion is concerned, I'm done with education. Perhaps maybe a little earlier than I should be, but I did my best till here - and my best was repeatedly proved to be the best possible. Not many people can claim that.
I probably need a change of direction. If only partial.
Perhaps that's why my mind keeps drifting to the romance/relationships zone. That's an area of my life I have... not really neglected, but basically failed at. Always falling for the wrong guy etc.. I'm 19 years old plus 7 months plus a few days. Of all that time, my total time as "not-single" amounts to barely over 3 months. That's an awfully bad percentage. And while quality is better than quantity etc. (not that there was any quality in that small quantity -_-), we're talking almost zero experience in the relationships department. My self-development in this area is so far constituted mainly by learning to deal with rejection and bad treatment.
Now, I'm monogamous to a degree that could be considered ridiculous in today's society. Old-fashioned, at least. So I'm not complaining about the lack of relationships - I wouldn't be happy to have been in too many failed relationships.
But given that I'm a person who wants to have a partner in life, who gives priority to family over career, and who feels she is over with one major area of her life, it's probably natural that unconsciously/subconsciously I've started to devote most of my thoughts to that direction.
Unfortunately, that can undoubtedly mean only one thing:
BAD DECISIONS AHOY!
You see, my mentality is already that of a woman in her late twenties or so. Men start thinking that way even later than that. So what are the odds of me finding a male who, by a lucky turn of events, thinks the way I do?
And what are the odds of him being a guy I'll actually be interested in? I mean, yes, I'm looking for a nice guy who wants to find a girl for a serious, long-term relationship (that would be me), but he must also be attractive, or at least able to attract me with some effort (in which case he should be willing to make the effort, apparently). I'm too young to just "settle" for someone who's "all right".
So? I'll probably end up with someone handsome who will sell me a bunch of lies I will easily fall for. Or an all right guy in a dull relationship I will eventually get sick of. Or someone serious and handsome, but who has very different views about life. Or someone who will attract me for whatever reason, and whom I will be dumping one week later thinking 'What was I THINKING??' Or all of those, successively. You have to kiss many frogs to find your prince and all that.
Welcome Anna, the nymphomaniac. *headdesk*
It's kind of pitiful how my thoughts always end up revolving around that area, really. And sadly, the only advice that applies is "get a boyfriend".
But asdfrgh STANDARDS! ISSUES! ETHICS! EXPECTATIONS!
And now that I have successfully managed to turn a decent session of profound musings to the diary of Bridget Jones, I shall leave you. Take care.
~Anna.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 07:57 am (UTC)Or maybe you can set yourself a further goal? Something to help motivate you?
Or maybe you can just slog through it, finish up, and move on. Whatever works.
But I can't help thinking that these are supposed to be happy times, and I hope you find some happiness and fun in them.
As for relationships... I know the feeling. I'm the same way. Except that I'm 29 and have even less experience than you. But I've never believed in casual dating, dating for its own sake. I've always wanted a serious, monogomous relationship. So, you're not alone in being "old fashioned." And there are males out there, even at your age, who want the same.
And don't sell yourself short. As you point out so well in the first half of the entry, there's a good brain inside that pretty little head of yours. Give it some credit. Your heart may jump at a pretty face, but I think your head knows better than to let you get too carried away with it.
Really, though, the sad truth is that there's no way to tell how things will turn out. How you and your partner will grow. Here in the US, the divorce rate is 50%, and it doesn't matter how you got together. Heck, I know a guy here who got himself a mail order bride from China, married her practically right off the boat. And now, several years later, they're happy together and it's been really good for both of them.
Do your best. Follow your heart, but trust your head. And try not to be so down on yourself. You're young, smart, talented, beautiful, and a lot of other good things. Relax, be confident, and try to enjoy yourself. (But don't let school slip too much...)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 11:20 pm (UTC)The thing is, my father would have a seizure if he heard that :P He's of the "finish your studies quickly so you can get a good job and earn good money as soon as possible" mentality. Even if I were to work during my time away from uni, he wouldn't be satisfied.
Not that I blame him, of course. First of all, I've always been the kind of student you *expect* to go to university, study something like Medicine or Law or Engineering and become a successful professional. It would pretty much come out of left field to take a hiatus just because I don't feel like studying. Plus, Pharmacy is really a field of studies that can guarantee a good job as very few can - pharmacists in Greece have several options, all rather profitable. So to take a break from studying such a field to find work elsewhere is... silly!
All in all, thanks for the advice and the encouragement :)
Hugs,
Anna :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 11:29 pm (UTC)If pushing through is what's best for you, then go for it.
But if taking a breather would make it better, don't let yourself be a slave to expectations. You only get to be 20 once, you know. You're on a good track. That's great. In the long run, will it really matter if you delay the next step by six months or whatever?
Not that I'm saying it's necessarily the right thing to do. Just that it's not wrong to consider it.
Anyway... take care of yourself. And be happy. :)