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annabtgI just had an epiphany.
Well, it's something I've kinda known for a while but it feels like it suddenly hit home and started to explain a whole load of things.
I've been feeling pretty much useless since I started going to university. But even before that, a decline had started. I had no inclination to read anymore, or to really *devote* myself to studying for the university admission exams. I had lost the inclination to write L&C, although I did write Harry Potter, but even that was lost after I started with the university.
I have often wondered how come I ended up like this. I used to be a very busy person since I was young; I studied languages, music, did sports, participated in various activities, and that was because I had interest in all those things and *wanted* to do them. And I was actually very good at everything I did, minus the sports. I did my best and it paid.
Then somehow, things changed. I became this person who would like to do a lot of things but can't really be arsed to do them, because it will cut on her free time (most of which goes to waste anyway. I mean, honestly - I could live without refreshing my emails every 5 minutes. I'm not THAT popular.).
You might say that "you got overloaded/tired of this life," and you'd be almost correct. It's something like that, but way more serious and deeper.
Athanasia may remember one time when we were at the Anavryta theater, spending our time during a break. I can't remember exactly when it was, but I think it was during our last year of high school. Probably close to one of the two national holidays that involve marching. We were discussing grades, or something that involved them.
And I remember saying, if not that exactly, something to this effect:
"I don't care about what happens with university. I've gone all my time through school with perfect grades, I've found myself in all the honorary positions at school (σημαιοφόρος, παραστάτης, απουσιολόγος) and I feel accomplished as a student. I feel I've done what I had to do and there's nothing to motivate me to try any further."
There it is.
You try hard as you can to be the best. And sometimes, you actually succeed!
...Then, what?
How much longer can you continue doing something you've already done and perfected?
I may have not gone to university before... but I finished primary school, junior high and high school with excellent grades (top of my class, too).
I may have yet to finish French... but I've already finished English and Spanish.
My motivation is not gone, but satisfied. Which is worse, in a way, because you can't get it back. When you've been there and done that, why go there again?
I intend to finish my studies at the university, of course. It's something necessary, and, while I don't have the zeal to sit down with a Chemistry book and study like there's no tomorrow, or the will to study in order to get a good grade (and quickly!), my field of studies is reasonably enjoyable, definitely interesting, and, at the end of the day, I *do* want to get a university degree.
But really, I think that, as far as self-development and completion is concerned, I'm done with education. Perhaps maybe a little earlier than I should be, but I did my best till here - and my best was repeatedly proved to be the best possible. Not many people can claim that.
I probably need a change of direction. If only partial.
Perhaps that's why my mind keeps drifting to the romance/relationships zone. That's an area of my life I have... not really neglected, but basically failed at. Always falling for the wrong guy etc.. I'm 19 years old plus 7 months plus a few days. Of all that time, my total time as "not-single" amounts to barely over 3 months. That's an awfully bad percentage. And while quality is better than quantity etc. (not that there was any quality in that small quantity -_-), we're talking almost zero experience in the relationships department. My self-development in this area is so far constituted mainly by learning to deal with rejection and bad treatment.
Now, I'm monogamous to a degree that could be considered ridiculous in today's society. Old-fashioned, at least. So I'm not complaining about the lack of relationships - I wouldn't be happy to have been in too many failed relationships.
But given that I'm a person who wants to have a partner in life, who gives priority to family over career, and who feels she is over with one major area of her life, it's probably natural that unconsciously/subconsciously I've started to devote most of my thoughts to that direction.
Unfortunately, that can undoubtedly mean only one thing:
BAD DECISIONS AHOY!
You see, my mentality is already that of a woman in her late twenties or so. Men start thinking that way even later than that. So what are the odds of me finding a male who, by a lucky turn of events, thinks the way I do?
And what are the odds of him being a guy I'll actually be interested in? I mean, yes, I'm looking for a nice guy who wants to find a girl for a serious, long-term relationship (that would be me), but he must also be attractive, or at least able to attract me with some effort (in which case he should be willing to make the effort, apparently). I'm too young to just "settle" for someone who's "all right".
So? I'll probably end up with someone handsome who will sell me a bunch of lies I will easily fall for. Or an all right guy in a dull relationship I will eventually get sick of. Or someone serious and handsome, but who has very different views about life. Or someone who will attract me for whatever reason, and whom I will be dumping one week later thinking 'What was I THINKING??' Or all of those, successively. You have to kiss many frogs to find your prince and all that.
Welcome Anna, the nymphomaniac. *headdesk*
It's kind of pitiful how my thoughts always end up revolving around that area, really. And sadly, the only advice that applies is "get a boyfriend".
But asdfrgh STANDARDS! ISSUES! ETHICS! EXPECTATIONS!
And now that I have successfully managed to turn a decent session of profound musings to the diary of Bridget Jones, I shall leave you. Take care.
~Anna.
Well, it's something I've kinda known for a while but it feels like it suddenly hit home and started to explain a whole load of things.
I've been feeling pretty much useless since I started going to university. But even before that, a decline had started. I had no inclination to read anymore, or to really *devote* myself to studying for the university admission exams. I had lost the inclination to write L&C, although I did write Harry Potter, but even that was lost after I started with the university.
I have often wondered how come I ended up like this. I used to be a very busy person since I was young; I studied languages, music, did sports, participated in various activities, and that was because I had interest in all those things and *wanted* to do them. And I was actually very good at everything I did, minus the sports. I did my best and it paid.
Then somehow, things changed. I became this person who would like to do a lot of things but can't really be arsed to do them, because it will cut on her free time (most of which goes to waste anyway. I mean, honestly - I could live without refreshing my emails every 5 minutes. I'm not THAT popular.).
You might say that "you got overloaded/tired of this life," and you'd be almost correct. It's something like that, but way more serious and deeper.
Athanasia may remember one time when we were at the Anavryta theater, spending our time during a break. I can't remember exactly when it was, but I think it was during our last year of high school. Probably close to one of the two national holidays that involve marching. We were discussing grades, or something that involved them.
And I remember saying, if not that exactly, something to this effect:
"I don't care about what happens with university. I've gone all my time through school with perfect grades, I've found myself in all the honorary positions at school (σημαιοφόρος, παραστάτης, απουσιολόγος) and I feel accomplished as a student. I feel I've done what I had to do and there's nothing to motivate me to try any further."
There it is.
You try hard as you can to be the best. And sometimes, you actually succeed!
...Then, what?
How much longer can you continue doing something you've already done and perfected?
I may have not gone to university before... but I finished primary school, junior high and high school with excellent grades (top of my class, too).
I may have yet to finish French... but I've already finished English and Spanish.
My motivation is not gone, but satisfied. Which is worse, in a way, because you can't get it back. When you've been there and done that, why go there again?
I intend to finish my studies at the university, of course. It's something necessary, and, while I don't have the zeal to sit down with a Chemistry book and study like there's no tomorrow, or the will to study in order to get a good grade (and quickly!), my field of studies is reasonably enjoyable, definitely interesting, and, at the end of the day, I *do* want to get a university degree.
But really, I think that, as far as self-development and completion is concerned, I'm done with education. Perhaps maybe a little earlier than I should be, but I did my best till here - and my best was repeatedly proved to be the best possible. Not many people can claim that.
I probably need a change of direction. If only partial.
Perhaps that's why my mind keeps drifting to the romance/relationships zone. That's an area of my life I have... not really neglected, but basically failed at. Always falling for the wrong guy etc.. I'm 19 years old plus 7 months plus a few days. Of all that time, my total time as "not-single" amounts to barely over 3 months. That's an awfully bad percentage. And while quality is better than quantity etc. (not that there was any quality in that small quantity -_-), we're talking almost zero experience in the relationships department. My self-development in this area is so far constituted mainly by learning to deal with rejection and bad treatment.
Now, I'm monogamous to a degree that could be considered ridiculous in today's society. Old-fashioned, at least. So I'm not complaining about the lack of relationships - I wouldn't be happy to have been in too many failed relationships.
But given that I'm a person who wants to have a partner in life, who gives priority to family over career, and who feels she is over with one major area of her life, it's probably natural that unconsciously/subconsciously I've started to devote most of my thoughts to that direction.
Unfortunately, that can undoubtedly mean only one thing:
BAD DECISIONS AHOY!
You see, my mentality is already that of a woman in her late twenties or so. Men start thinking that way even later than that. So what are the odds of me finding a male who, by a lucky turn of events, thinks the way I do?
And what are the odds of him being a guy I'll actually be interested in? I mean, yes, I'm looking for a nice guy who wants to find a girl for a serious, long-term relationship (that would be me), but he must also be attractive, or at least able to attract me with some effort (in which case he should be willing to make the effort, apparently). I'm too young to just "settle" for someone who's "all right".
So? I'll probably end up with someone handsome who will sell me a bunch of lies I will easily fall for. Or an all right guy in a dull relationship I will eventually get sick of. Or someone serious and handsome, but who has very different views about life. Or someone who will attract me for whatever reason, and whom I will be dumping one week later thinking 'What was I THINKING??' Or all of those, successively. You have to kiss many frogs to find your prince and all that.
Welcome Anna, the nymphomaniac. *headdesk*
It's kind of pitiful how my thoughts always end up revolving around that area, really. And sadly, the only advice that applies is "get a boyfriend".
But asdfrgh STANDARDS! ISSUES! ETHICS! EXPECTATIONS!
And now that I have successfully managed to turn a decent session of profound musings to the diary of Bridget Jones, I shall leave you. Take care.
~Anna.
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no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 01:52 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 02:14 am (UTC)Well, I'm in and trying to talk to you, do you see me? Try starting a conversation with me...
See ya,
Anna.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 02:30 am (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 02:52 am (UTC)♥ ♥ ♥
~Anna.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 07:48 am (UTC)You and I are a lot alike, esp when it comes to insecurities. Everyone has those. But all I can say is, love doesn't come to you when you've decided you're ready for it. It comes when it's decided it's ready for you.
You're TWENTY, Anna, no matter that you feel older. You have decades in front of you to find the right guy. Don't rush things, and although it's hard, don't be afraid of bad decisions. Life would be really dull if a person didn't make some mistakes. It's all part of the ride. And frankly, the idea that that makes you a nymphomaniac is laughable.
My self-development in this area is so far constituted mainly by learning to deal with rejection and bad treatment.
Well, that's one good thing then. =)
Bide a wee, my darlin'. =D
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 01:58 pm (UTC)Off topic: I love your icon. XD It's so cute! ^^
See ya, and good luck to you! ;)
Anna.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 07:57 am (UTC)Or maybe you can set yourself a further goal? Something to help motivate you?
Or maybe you can just slog through it, finish up, and move on. Whatever works.
But I can't help thinking that these are supposed to be happy times, and I hope you find some happiness and fun in them.
As for relationships... I know the feeling. I'm the same way. Except that I'm 29 and have even less experience than you. But I've never believed in casual dating, dating for its own sake. I've always wanted a serious, monogomous relationship. So, you're not alone in being "old fashioned." And there are males out there, even at your age, who want the same.
And don't sell yourself short. As you point out so well in the first half of the entry, there's a good brain inside that pretty little head of yours. Give it some credit. Your heart may jump at a pretty face, but I think your head knows better than to let you get too carried away with it.
Really, though, the sad truth is that there's no way to tell how things will turn out. How you and your partner will grow. Here in the US, the divorce rate is 50%, and it doesn't matter how you got together. Heck, I know a guy here who got himself a mail order bride from China, married her practically right off the boat. And now, several years later, they're happy together and it's been really good for both of them.
Do your best. Follow your heart, but trust your head. And try not to be so down on yourself. You're young, smart, talented, beautiful, and a lot of other good things. Relax, be confident, and try to enjoy yourself. (But don't let school slip too much...)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 11:20 pm (UTC)The thing is, my father would have a seizure if he heard that :P He's of the "finish your studies quickly so you can get a good job and earn good money as soon as possible" mentality. Even if I were to work during my time away from uni, he wouldn't be satisfied.
Not that I blame him, of course. First of all, I've always been the kind of student you *expect* to go to university, study something like Medicine or Law or Engineering and become a successful professional. It would pretty much come out of left field to take a hiatus just because I don't feel like studying. Plus, Pharmacy is really a field of studies that can guarantee a good job as very few can - pharmacists in Greece have several options, all rather profitable. So to take a break from studying such a field to find work elsewhere is... silly!
All in all, thanks for the advice and the encouragement :)
Hugs,
Anna :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 11:29 pm (UTC)If pushing through is what's best for you, then go for it.
But if taking a breather would make it better, don't let yourself be a slave to expectations. You only get to be 20 once, you know. You're on a good track. That's great. In the long run, will it really matter if you delay the next step by six months or whatever?
Not that I'm saying it's necessarily the right thing to do. Just that it's not wrong to consider it.
Anyway... take care of yourself. And be happy. :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 12:29 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 01:59 pm (UTC)♥ ♥ ♥
~Anna.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 12:37 pm (UTC)I have no advice, but *hugs*. I think it's okay to feel this way... by your late teens you're sort of designed to be ready to move on, even if modern life doesn't really allow for that. I dunno.
Ilu
Indy.x ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 02:15 pm (UTC)It's not a surprise that most of my friends think like me about relationships. So they've either all been single practically all of their lives, or are in relationships they're serious about. Which means that all of my friends I either sympathize with or am jealous of (in a good way).
And it doesn't help to have your mom going all the time "why don't you have a boyfriend? Now that you're out of school, it's time! Do you want to end up an old maid? When I was your age, I was engaged!"
Seriously. I keep telling her nice guys don't grow on trees, but she won't listen.
***hugs back***
Ilu too!
♥ ♥ Anna.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 03:07 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 10:49 pm (UTC)Um, actually, I would like to be engaged by 25. I'd like to be married by the time I'm thirty (with it ideally taking place sometime in my late twenties).
Incidentally, I don't know how exactly you define "engagement". Over here, a couple can be engaged for several years until they get married. My mom got married when she was 22 - relatively young for her generation and definitely young for mine - but she and my father had been together for nine years already, so there was no point in waiting any longer than that. I guess it depends on the situation.
See ya,
Anna :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 04:51 pm (UTC)Do you want to end up an old maid?
LOL. Your mum sounds hilarious XD. I very much doubt you'll end up an old maid Anna, if it's any consolation.
♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 10:34 pm (UTC)But I often feel pressured myself by my own mom. I mean, imagine your mother going "why don't you wanna get to know that neighbour of ours? He's such a nice guy!" I mean, HONESTLY. -_-
Hugs,
Anna ♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 07:49 pm (UTC)♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 10:00 pm (UTC)When I started Uni I was motivated and I knew what I wanted to do. Then I lost track and I lost two precious years because I thought it was all pointless and because I was just tired of studying anymore (after 12 years of education and being an excellent student). The thing I do now is stick to the aim I have, and that is to get the diploma for a (possibly) better life and better job tomorrow. And when I have that aim in my mind, the motivation for learning comes on its own...
As for the love problem, I felt the same: I have too high standards, I always fall for the wrong guy (one was crazy and one was married -but I found that out only many months after actually flirting from BOTH sides!- and the others were, simply said, idiots), no one loves me, etc etc... I was desperate to find someone and I got depressed. Honestly depressed.
What I advise you is to be patient. It is not easy I admit that. I am in the same situation and I am not 20 but 23 :) and I realise that I would not be able to live alone or without love. I think I just got disappointed in guys and I try to give the love I have to other things...
I'm just being patient...
no subject
Date: 2007-12-28 11:28 pm (UTC)You DON'T want to get me started on that. XD Really.
Thanks for the advice and the support. :) I wish good luck to you too, with everything you're doing in your life :)
Hugs,
Anna :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 01:48 pm (UTC)You DON'T want to get me started on that. XD Really."
I am curious to hear about it!!!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 03:50 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 03:54 pm (UTC)no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 12:48 am (UTC)And as for the romance/relationships thing - I am so glad you posted that. Um, thankyou a lot, really. To read that, and to read some of the comments - I am unbelievably comforted by the knowledge that I'm not the only one to be getting older and still having no experience there. I'm 17, and many of my friends have or have had relationships, while I only know two boys my age and they're barely even my friends. Not only that, but I've never felt any kind of lust towards anyone - while some of my friends obsess over their boy-interests. So you can understand that I started to think I might be a bit.. unusual? And I know there's nothing wrong with that, but it is always a comfort to know there are people like you out there.
so thanks :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 01:36 am (UTC)Good luck with your life, Nori :)
Hugs,
Anna.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 05:07 am (UTC)I realise I cannot say I relate as regards boys, because I have only been single for two months in the past four and a half years, but I do have a thought on the matter.
Absolutely do not ever settle for less than what you deserve.
I did that with my first boyfriend, and once you settle for something, it's a long trail of more and more "oh, well I guess that's okay..." Hold out for the right guy, even if it does mean being single. Lack of experience is not neccessarily a bad thing. And standards...with the right guy, they'll respect that.
All the best,
Kat xoxo
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 03:35 pm (UTC)Hugs,
Anna :)
no subject
Date: 2007-12-30 03:27 am (UTC)Hugs,
Kat xoxo
no subject
Date: 2007-12-29 07:51 pm (UTC)ANASTASIA/DIMITRI = ♥!
...I seem to do this with your icons a lot XD
no subject
Date: 2007-12-30 03:26 am (UTC)It's because I find lovely icons for the people I adore. My standard icons are silly things like angry cats.
But! Another Beauty and the Beast icon for you!
no subject
Date: 2007-12-30 01:38 pm (UTC)BEAUTY & THE BEAST = FAVOURITE FILM EVER
♥
no subject
Date: 2007-12-30 11:16 pm (UTC)Beauty and the Best is amazing. Little Mermaid is also adorable, except that Ariel is rather whingy from time to time.
LOVE AND KISSES,
Kat
no subject
Date: 2007-12-30 11:44 am (UTC)Dunno what to say and I may sound horrorly ridiculous but:
-don't care about university: are you sure the path you choosed is really the one you wanted deep inside your heart or did you just to please your parents or else...I mean did you really choose it like WHAM! that's what I wanna do with my life or...?
-Epiphany's good. plus there's always a way to change ways, even in Uni. It's your first year, you're not too deep in it if you realise Biology, medecine wasn't your thing, you still have loads of paths and possibilities open, don't you?
-Relationship? coun't me very old-fashioned too. I think dating is bullshit 'cause you know from the beginning where it's supposed to lead and thus, cannot fully be yourselt, IMHO. OTOH, I'm really chatty in swimming pools, public places and planes and else wisth people (guys or girls) I don't even know. I guess you're more experienced that I am in that field and thus I know perfect man doesn't exist, it's not that I don't want to but...you know my story: hard in trusting guys so there's a good deal of chance if I fancy one, OI won't even make the first move. Mum says loads are interested but I don't even see it...and she's right, I don't.
I think: trust yourself, trust your heart and instincts and feelings...whatever the field. And, don't forget to protect yourself: in that I mean: don't beat yourself up too much! you're wonderful! :)
LOL+TC
Carole
Plus, I'm this close to thinking in the longrun, arranged weddings or relationships are the more solid ones and due to last so, see? very oldfashioned.
no subject
Date: 2007-12-30 02:40 pm (UTC)Hehe. It is something I want to do but can't get myself to start contemplating it for serious. Bad thing is, I'm used to fast-paced classes and I think I'd have to go slowly with French, since I'm still at such a mediocre level...
It's not like I always had the dream of becoming a pharmacist, no. But since the thought came up, it's seemed like a good enough option. I doubt I'd be more motivated if I were studying something else...
Thanks for the advice and encouragement. Good luck to you too with everything! :)
Hugs,
Anna.
no subject
Date: 2008-01-01 10:09 pm (UTC)you're welcome!
all the best for the new year (in case you didn't get my sms) and, while I'm at catching up: that's a terrific new layout you got there! love it! :)
no subject
Date: 2008-01-01 11:10 pm (UTC)I did get your SMS. My best wishes to you as well, hope you're always happy and well :)
Hugs,
Anna ♥