Thoughts on image
May. 6th, 2006 09:20 pm![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
annabtgThere are two reasons why I'm posting here right now. First, my evening classes Advanced Physics teacher has arranged an exam for us tomorrow, and I really, really don't feel like studying. Especially since Advanced Physics is one of my least favourite subjects this year.
Second, I've been thinking about various things today. They're things I want to share, but... I know I'll just regret talking about them the moment I hit the 'update' button.
Gosh, I hate this feeling.
Hmm... I think everything I've thought about today really comes down to one thing: image.
Yeah, my image is something that's worried me for a while. In school, and real life in general, I am who I am. Some people like me. Some don't. And then there are some who think I'm okay, but aren't interested in being friends of mine.
I have few real friends in RL, actually. But I'm happy with the way things are, because I know exactly where I stand with them. In fact, I know exactly where I stand with everyone I know. And I'm thankful for it.
After some nasty experiences with various people, I've learned to be the person I am, and not the person the others would want me to be. And, frankly, I don't think I'm that bad a person so as to be in dire need of changing my ways. Those who don't like me the way I am... sorry, but that's their own problem, not mine. Of course I'm friendly to them; this is me, I'm always friendly unless I have serious reasons not to be, and, as far as I remember, I've never hated anybody. Disliked, yes; preferred to stay away from them, yes. But never hated. That's just not me. And if somebody I don't get along with tells me something worth keeping in mind, I will keep it in mind. What I get from these people, though, is usually just bitterness and cruelty. I've become more or less immune to those by now.
But, thinking about it, I've found there's one thing I'm not immune to. And this is questioning of my motives and my abilities. I don't care if people I don't like call me spiteful, or a nerd, or anything that applies to my character. I know me well enough to know which of those accusations are true and which aren't. And I have good friends who like me the way I am. But...
Well, there's the university thing. This year, I've studied a lot. But whereas others focus on the Advanced subjects - those that count in the university access score - I just studied a little bit of everything. I maintained my top grades, but they're balanced - and I've scored relatively low a couple of times at the Advanced subjects I found most difficult.
Why I did that? Two main reasons. First, this is called high school. It's not called preparatory school for the university. So I don't think I should be favouring the Advanced subjects over the others. Second, I'm really not that desperate about scoring as high as I can. I know me, and I know that my scores will allow me to enter a university department I'll enjoy. I have a few in mind, but I haven't decided towards one in particular, so why should I go out of my way to achieve something I'm not even sure I want? Why study six hours and make sure to get into Medicine? I prefer studying four hours, have two hours free for fic, and risk scoring not high enough for it. So what if I don't make it to Medicine? There's Biology, there's Chemistry... I like these just as much.
Yes, but Medicine is more prestigious than Biology. Which brings us back to image. My interest in Medicine, Biology and Chemistry is equal. But Medicine is more difficult to achieve. Only 'good students like me' are capable of making it there. So, having followed this studies track, I'm somehow expected to make it there. If I don't, I'll have a load of people telling me "don't worry, it's okay, you can try again. Besides, Biology/Chemistry isn't all that bad..." Do you know how frustrating it is when people are trying to make you feel better without understanding that you're just fine with the way things are?
Worse still, I know that plenty of people will think 'oh, the poor girl, she didn't make it, and she had so much potential...' Or, if they're of the bitter kind, 'ha, I knew she wasn't good enough for it. Her high grades in previous years were just because she was the teachers' pet/her father pleaded with the teachers.'
This thought drives me crazy. And yet, it doesn't make me want to shut my laptop and get to studying. Because I don't care enough for it to affect me. But when you care only a little, it's worse. Because you don't know what you really want to do - ignore them, or do your best to avoid ending up being pitied/subject to their bitterness?
No, I'm not done yet. There's the matter of image on the Internet, too.
The nature of online friendships is different. I have a couple *really* close friends, just as I do in RL, but my 'just friends' are much more than they are in RL. And I don't know of any people who dislike me. (Though that doesn't say that there aren't any... but I somehow can't even think of *one* person who would. And that's saying something.)
Why is that? Am I not the same person when I'm online? Am I somehow projecting a different me? Or have I just found people I fit better with?
I don't know. One thing I can think of and might be affecting my online image, is that online, you use the written word. And writing something means thinking twice about it. So maybe I'm protected from speaking without thinking first, which, admittedly, can lead to awkward situations. Also - you guys don't see my body language when I write something online *g* My body language tends to be very intense, and my voice has this annoying habit of going up the volume scale without me noticing it. That scares people off, I guess.
But it crosses my mind that maybe I'm really acting in a different way online. You see, my online experiences have been much better than my RL ones, in general. And maybe subconsciously I try to be nicer online, because I'm afraid that my online relationships will fail and I'll be left alone. I don't know if that's true, and you have no way of knowing either. But the thing is... I don't mind that my RL image isn't that of the cool and popular girl (at least among my classmates). But if someone called me a bitch online, I'd be very disappointed and sad.
The thing is that people in RL have shown me that I'm probably not all that likeable. So I guess that one of the three is happening:
a) The RL people I know have misjudged me.
b) Many of the online people I know don't like me, I just don't know about it.
c) I'm not myself when I'm online.
The third option... gosh, I really wish it's not the case. I know for one I'm not doing it on purpose, but even if I'm doing it subconsciously, it's a disturbing thought. I like to have control of myself.
Wow, I'm so bad at expressing my thoughts. This post took me more than an hour and a half to write, and I still don't think it says what I want it to be saying. (Also, I have a headache, which isn't helping matters at all.)
Now watch me as I regret posting this stuff...
See ya,
Anna.
Second, I've been thinking about various things today. They're things I want to share, but... I know I'll just regret talking about them the moment I hit the 'update' button.
Gosh, I hate this feeling.
Hmm... I think everything I've thought about today really comes down to one thing: image.
Yeah, my image is something that's worried me for a while. In school, and real life in general, I am who I am. Some people like me. Some don't. And then there are some who think I'm okay, but aren't interested in being friends of mine.
I have few real friends in RL, actually. But I'm happy with the way things are, because I know exactly where I stand with them. In fact, I know exactly where I stand with everyone I know. And I'm thankful for it.
After some nasty experiences with various people, I've learned to be the person I am, and not the person the others would want me to be. And, frankly, I don't think I'm that bad a person so as to be in dire need of changing my ways. Those who don't like me the way I am... sorry, but that's their own problem, not mine. Of course I'm friendly to them; this is me, I'm always friendly unless I have serious reasons not to be, and, as far as I remember, I've never hated anybody. Disliked, yes; preferred to stay away from them, yes. But never hated. That's just not me. And if somebody I don't get along with tells me something worth keeping in mind, I will keep it in mind. What I get from these people, though, is usually just bitterness and cruelty. I've become more or less immune to those by now.
But, thinking about it, I've found there's one thing I'm not immune to. And this is questioning of my motives and my abilities. I don't care if people I don't like call me spiteful, or a nerd, or anything that applies to my character. I know me well enough to know which of those accusations are true and which aren't. And I have good friends who like me the way I am. But...
Well, there's the university thing. This year, I've studied a lot. But whereas others focus on the Advanced subjects - those that count in the university access score - I just studied a little bit of everything. I maintained my top grades, but they're balanced - and I've scored relatively low a couple of times at the Advanced subjects I found most difficult.
Why I did that? Two main reasons. First, this is called high school. It's not called preparatory school for the university. So I don't think I should be favouring the Advanced subjects over the others. Second, I'm really not that desperate about scoring as high as I can. I know me, and I know that my scores will allow me to enter a university department I'll enjoy. I have a few in mind, but I haven't decided towards one in particular, so why should I go out of my way to achieve something I'm not even sure I want? Why study six hours and make sure to get into Medicine? I prefer studying four hours, have two hours free for fic, and risk scoring not high enough for it. So what if I don't make it to Medicine? There's Biology, there's Chemistry... I like these just as much.
Yes, but Medicine is more prestigious than Biology. Which brings us back to image. My interest in Medicine, Biology and Chemistry is equal. But Medicine is more difficult to achieve. Only 'good students like me' are capable of making it there. So, having followed this studies track, I'm somehow expected to make it there. If I don't, I'll have a load of people telling me "don't worry, it's okay, you can try again. Besides, Biology/Chemistry isn't all that bad..." Do you know how frustrating it is when people are trying to make you feel better without understanding that you're just fine with the way things are?
Worse still, I know that plenty of people will think 'oh, the poor girl, she didn't make it, and she had so much potential...' Or, if they're of the bitter kind, 'ha, I knew she wasn't good enough for it. Her high grades in previous years were just because she was the teachers' pet/her father pleaded with the teachers.'
This thought drives me crazy. And yet, it doesn't make me want to shut my laptop and get to studying. Because I don't care enough for it to affect me. But when you care only a little, it's worse. Because you don't know what you really want to do - ignore them, or do your best to avoid ending up being pitied/subject to their bitterness?
No, I'm not done yet. There's the matter of image on the Internet, too.
The nature of online friendships is different. I have a couple *really* close friends, just as I do in RL, but my 'just friends' are much more than they are in RL. And I don't know of any people who dislike me. (Though that doesn't say that there aren't any... but I somehow can't even think of *one* person who would. And that's saying something.)
Why is that? Am I not the same person when I'm online? Am I somehow projecting a different me? Or have I just found people I fit better with?
I don't know. One thing I can think of and might be affecting my online image, is that online, you use the written word. And writing something means thinking twice about it. So maybe I'm protected from speaking without thinking first, which, admittedly, can lead to awkward situations. Also - you guys don't see my body language when I write something online *g* My body language tends to be very intense, and my voice has this annoying habit of going up the volume scale without me noticing it. That scares people off, I guess.
But it crosses my mind that maybe I'm really acting in a different way online. You see, my online experiences have been much better than my RL ones, in general. And maybe subconsciously I try to be nicer online, because I'm afraid that my online relationships will fail and I'll be left alone. I don't know if that's true, and you have no way of knowing either. But the thing is... I don't mind that my RL image isn't that of the cool and popular girl (at least among my classmates). But if someone called me a bitch online, I'd be very disappointed and sad.
The thing is that people in RL have shown me that I'm probably not all that likeable. So I guess that one of the three is happening:
a) The RL people I know have misjudged me.
b) Many of the online people I know don't like me, I just don't know about it.
c) I'm not myself when I'm online.
The third option... gosh, I really wish it's not the case. I know for one I'm not doing it on purpose, but even if I'm doing it subconsciously, it's a disturbing thought. I like to have control of myself.
Wow, I'm so bad at expressing my thoughts. This post took me more than an hour and a half to write, and I still don't think it says what I want it to be saying. (Also, I have a headache, which isn't helping matters at all.)
Now watch me as I regret posting this stuff...
See ya,
Anna.
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no subject
Date: 2006-05-09 03:25 pm (UTC)See ya,
Anna.