Thoughts on image

[annabtg]

There are two reasons why I'm posting here right now. First, my evening classes Advanced Physics teacher has arranged an exam for us tomorrow, and I really, really don't feel like studying. Especially since Advanced Physics is one of my least favourite subjects this year.

Second, I've been thinking about various things today. They're things I want to share, but... I know I'll just regret talking about them the moment I hit the 'update' button.

Gosh, I hate this feeling.

Hmm... I think everything I've thought about today really comes down to one thing: image.


Yeah, my image is something that's worried me for a while. In school, and real life in general, I am who I am. Some people like me. Some don't. And then there are some who think I'm okay, but aren't interested in being friends of mine.
I have few real friends in RL, actually. But I'm happy with the way things are, because I know exactly where I stand with them. In fact, I know exactly where I stand with everyone I know. And I'm thankful for it.

After some nasty experiences with various people, I've learned to be the person I am, and not the person the others would want me to be. And, frankly, I don't think I'm that bad a person so as to be in dire need of changing my ways. Those who don't like me the way I am... sorry, but that's their own problem, not mine. Of course I'm friendly to them; this is me, I'm always friendly unless I have serious reasons not to be, and, as far as I remember, I've never hated anybody. Disliked, yes; preferred to stay away from them, yes. But never hated. That's just not me. And if somebody I don't get along with tells me something worth keeping in mind, I will keep it in mind. What I get from these people, though, is usually just bitterness and cruelty. I've become more or less immune to those by now.

But, thinking about it, I've found there's one thing I'm not immune to. And this is questioning of my motives and my abilities. I don't care if people I don't like call me spiteful, or a nerd, or anything that applies to my character. I know me well enough to know which of those accusations are true and which aren't. And I have good friends who like me the way I am. But...

Well, there's the university thing. This year, I've studied a lot. But whereas others focus on the Advanced subjects - those that count in the university access score - I just studied a little bit of everything. I maintained my top grades, but they're balanced - and I've scored relatively low a couple of times at the Advanced subjects I found most difficult.

Why I did that? Two main reasons. First, this is called high school. It's not called preparatory school for the university. So I don't think I should be favouring the Advanced subjects over the others. Second, I'm really not that desperate about scoring as high as I can. I know me, and I know that my scores will allow me to enter a university department I'll enjoy. I have a few in mind, but I haven't decided towards one in particular, so why should I go out of my way to achieve something I'm not even sure I want? Why study six hours and make sure to get into Medicine? I prefer studying four hours, have two hours free for fic, and risk scoring not high enough for it. So what if I don't make it to Medicine? There's Biology, there's Chemistry... I like these just as much.

Yes, but Medicine is more prestigious than Biology. Which brings us back to image. My interest in Medicine, Biology and Chemistry is equal. But Medicine is more difficult to achieve. Only 'good students like me' are capable of making it there. So, having followed this studies track, I'm somehow expected to make it there. If I don't, I'll have a load of people telling me "don't worry, it's okay, you can try again. Besides, Biology/Chemistry isn't all that bad..." Do you know how frustrating it is when people are trying to make you feel better without understanding that you're just fine with the way things are?
Worse still, I know that plenty of people will think 'oh, the poor girl, she didn't make it, and she had so much potential...' Or, if they're of the bitter kind, 'ha, I knew she wasn't good enough for it. Her high grades in previous years were just because she was the teachers' pet/her father pleaded with the teachers.'

This thought drives me crazy. And yet, it doesn't make me want to shut my laptop and get to studying. Because I don't care enough for it to affect me. But when you care only a little, it's worse. Because you don't know what you really want to do - ignore them, or do your best to avoid ending up being pitied/subject to their bitterness?

No, I'm not done yet. There's the matter of image on the Internet, too.

The nature of online friendships is different. I have a couple *really* close friends, just as I do in RL, but my 'just friends' are much more than they are in RL. And I don't know of any people who dislike me. (Though that doesn't say that there aren't any... but I somehow can't even think of *one* person who would. And that's saying something.)

Why is that? Am I not the same person when I'm online? Am I somehow projecting a different me? Or have I just found people I fit better with?

I don't know. One thing I can think of and might be affecting my online image, is that online, you use the written word. And writing something means thinking twice about it. So maybe I'm protected from speaking without thinking first, which, admittedly, can lead to awkward situations. Also - you guys don't see my body language when I write something online *g* My body language tends to be very intense, and my voice has this annoying habit of going up the volume scale without me noticing it. That scares people off, I guess.

But it crosses my mind that maybe I'm really acting in a different way online. You see, my online experiences have been much better than my RL ones, in general. And maybe subconsciously I try to be nicer online, because I'm afraid that my online relationships will fail and I'll be left alone. I don't know if that's true, and you have no way of knowing either. But the thing is... I don't mind that my RL image isn't that of the cool and popular girl (at least among my classmates). But if someone called me a bitch online, I'd be very disappointed and sad.

The thing is that people in RL have shown me that I'm probably not all that likeable. So I guess that one of the three is happening:
a) The RL people I know have misjudged me.
b) Many of the online people I know don't like me, I just don't know about it.
c) I'm not myself when I'm online.

The third option... gosh, I really wish it's not the case. I know for one I'm not doing it on purpose, but even if I'm doing it subconsciously, it's a disturbing thought. I like to have control of myself.


Wow, I'm so bad at expressing my thoughts. This post took me more than an hour and a half to write, and I still don't think it says what I want it to be saying. (Also, I have a headache, which isn't helping matters at all.)

Now watch me as I regret posting this stuff...

See ya,
Anna.

Comments

[gloryforever.livejournal.com]

Okay, so probably the last thing you need is for me to make you even more confused about all these things but I somehow can't help it.

First of all, I should point out (because you may or may not be aware of it - it being in the user info doesn't guarantee people will read it or remember it) that I am considerably older than you are and often find myself making the same considerations.

I, like you, have real friends that can be counted with one hand's fingers (and you'd still have fingers to spare) and even though that has nagged me for the longest time but I've just learned to go with it instead of fighting it.

I spend a fair amount of time online and I have met some people whose "company" I enjoy a lot. I have also met some people whose ideas I may disagree with but it's always been a far cry from the RL cnflicts.

I think the reason I feel more "comfortable" online is because with no prejudices to hang on to (no name, no age and a lot of the times no gender either) the only thing one's left with is ideas. If more people in RL were able to focus on ideas, feelings, the essence of people rather than stereotypes, this world would be a very different place.

Now, as far as College, don't let what other things deter you. Study what you will, be the best you can and be sure it makes you happy. Everything else will fall in place.

Chin up, and I hope the headache has gone away by the time you read this.

[pgwfolc.livejournal.com]

College... It's early yet to figure out what you want to do, isn't it? It should be. But the system here is a lot different...

Anyway, go with what you want to do. Don't mind the others.

"I am who I am," "I don't hate anyone," "I don't have enemies," etc... very cool. The first is an approach few are strong/courageous/whatever enough to take. The others are an accomplishment. I hope you can keep that up. (I have... 5 people, I think, whom I have hated in my life so far. And... I'm not sure how many enemies by now...) In general: Go you!

Everyone is different online than they are in person. At least, I know I am. There's this distance. The people are just words on a screen, not "real." So you treat them differently than you do face-to-face. In most cases, that means you open up more. You're not as shy.

It's also a lot easier to make casual friends online. To just run into people on MBs or IRC or whatever and start talking to them, in a way you'd never do if you were mingling in a crowded room or sitting in class or hanging out in a coffee shop or something. You're also more likely to run across people who have similar interests online because you hang out in places dedicated to those interests.

At the same time, it's easier to avoid people online. To ignore them amidst the crowd. To distract yourself eleswhere. To just not talk to them. So, as long as you're reasonably nice and not too vocal on controvertial topics, it's pretty easy to avoid making enemies (most of the time).

It's also easier to lose track of aquaintences IRL and harder to make good friends there. The 'net lets you keep in touch, but, again... not as personal.

In short: Method of communication/interaction can make a big difference in how you relate to people, and that's just natural.

Don't worry about it. You're a good person, people like you, and you're not doing anything twisted and evil or whatever (at least, not so far as I know... ;) ).

Oh, and... I'm a bit rusty on my physics, but if there's a chance I can help, let me know. :)

Paul

[annabtg.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Gloria :) I agree with the point that relationships online are generally free from prejudices. This helps people come close.

The headache went away, thanks to a couple of painkillers and an eleven-hour sleep... *g*

See ya,
Anna :)

[timetraveled.livejournal.com]

Naturally it’s easier to make friends online, because I have the ability to think about what I’m going to say instead of in real life blurting out something incoherent to scare people off! I have more friends on the internet, but frankly I don’t care because those people probably know me better than the real ones (which is kind of sad…)

I can truly say I like you, Anna! I don’t think anyone online doesn’t like you!

[annabtg.livejournal.com]

Thanks, Paul :) I guess you're right... things are easier online.

I didn't go to write the exam this morning, after all... I'll see my teacher tomorrow at class and he'll give me a copy. I've got enough material to work on today, though... (theory of two chapters done, two more to go - the most difficult - plus many, many exercises.)
In any case, thanks for the offer! *g*

See ya,
Anna :)

[annabtg.livejournal.com]

Thank you, Cath! :)

I have more friends on the internet, but frankly I don’t care because those people probably know me better than the real ones (which is kind of sad…)

Exactly! It's weird that this should be happening... and at the same time, it's not weird at all.

See ya,
Anna.

[doranwen.livejournal.com]

Yeah, it's the same with me. Other than my best friend--and one other friend I've kept in touch with this year, I'd say I have several Internet friends who know me better than most all of my RL friends do. But there are hardly any RL friends to count, only one or two I can think of, and the others are more acquaintances than close-ish friends. And *those* aren't that many. So yeah, in terms of real friends, IRL I have about . . . four, only four. And online I have four or five friends who know me just as well or better than almost all of those, plus other friends I'd love to get to know better but just haven't had the chance. I think it's all due to meeting the right people--the people I click with aren't very common IRL, but there are a high percentage of them online . . . probably has something to do with introversion, especially introverted intuition. (g) And since I see my RL friends (at least this year) as often (which means not at all, except for one girl who I've become friends with down here) as my online friends, I'd say the situation is pretty much equal. If we're speaking of the people I have to interact with on a daily basis, none of them are close friends, really, and most of them probably don't like me that much. We don't agree on a lot of things, and I'm always living in a world they don't go to, so . . . it's hard for me to always adapt to their world (and half the time I rebel at the thought of always conforming to everyone else's world), and I don't know if they could get to mine even if they wanted to, so . . .

Wow, that was a long ramble. I'm not sure how much that was interesting to you, but anyway . . . There's more I can think of saying on terms of people's expectations and all, but I think you've already heard some of it from me before, not sure. Ask me on IRC sometime if you haven't, and you want to know what I'm talking about.

[annabtg.livejournal.com]

Thank you for the reply, Doran. It's always good to hear other people's opinions, views and experiences. Especially when it seems that all of you feel like I do about this *g* (Heh, this certainly means something.)

And yes, I think we've discussed about people's expectations before - probably somewhere in your LJ. Little does it matter, though - if you're anything like me, you're one of these people who never get tired of discussing such stuff *g*

See ya,
Anna :)

[doranwen.livejournal.com]

Rofl, yeah, I tend to love discussing such stuff--"if you're anything like me", LOL! /me remembers all the "you too???" lines on IRC . . .

[annabtg.livejournal.com]

LOL, that's why I put it *g*

See ya,
Anna.