![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
Just...
CRAP.
CRAP.
CRAP.
How difficult is it to focus on a book for two days?? Two days is all I need to learn my stuff, go take the exam, pass and be able to face everyone with a straight face.
One day gone. I only have one day until the exam. And I have a TON of stuff to study, and I know I won't.
I was just checking the university website to see if any more grades were up. None were. I just saw my 10 and my 8 in the list.
They are soon to be joined by a multitude of mediocre grades, including a few non-passing ones. I don't expect to have passed either Physiology and only a miracle will help me pass Organic Chemistry I with all the studying I *haven't* done all these days.
I know I will feel terribly ashamed when I see my grades. I already feel terribly ashamed at the thought of showing up for an exam having studied only as little as I have. I don't *do* that. I don't show up for exams with my faith to God as my only weapon. I *study*. And if I haven't studied, it's because I'm counting on my intelligence to get me through.
But in this instance, my intelligence - what's left of it, because right now I'm acting like a complete idiot, and none of you can say anything to the opposite - is NOT enough to help me through the exam alone. I am normally responsible, I normally CARE for my grades.
And I still care, in fact. I won't go "oh, I failed, whatever, next time". Maybe I will act like that around my fellow classmates, and around my parents. But in reality, I will be thinking, "that's what you get for not studying, you MORON. Now deal with failure."
I've never had to deal with failure. I've happened to, say, finish last in a swimming contest. But swimming was something different - it was something I wasn't talented at, and I stopped caring about it when I realized it. From a point onwards, I wasn't even trying.
Here we're talking about my studies. I'm in the university, doing something I want to do, something I *chose* to do because it was something I would *enjoy* doing. Worse yet - it's something I *had* been enjoying until recently.
I can't even go back to who I used to be - I do want it, but not enough to push me out of this state. "Ohbrotherness", we call it jokingly in Greek. It's when something has you like, "oh, brother". When something does annoy you, and you *are* interested in it, but not enough in order to bother with doing anything about it. All you can do is sit there and whine, hoping it will magically change.
This is what has become of me. I'm nothing more than a stupid, pathetic, unmotivated, whiny girl. I don't deserve your supportive comments, I don't even deserve the time you guys spend to read this. The only thing I deserve is to be clubbed on the head. And then have my computer and Internet connection taken away from me.
Which, in turn, will only manage to make me even more miserable.
I hate my life. Not in the "I want to die" way, in the "I want to change EVERYTHING about it" way. I need to take a break, away from everything that HAS to be done in a certain way - away from studying and from everyone's expectations and everything. I need to find myself again.
I wonder if this hadn't been brewing for a long time now. Since I stopped visiting the boards regularly, since I stopped reading for fun - *me*, a synonym of reading! Dad likes to place the start of my decline more recently, at the time when I started playing trivia IRC and met all the crew from there. But no matter when it started, and no matter what I was doing with my life, at least I was feeling happy, at ease with myself. I don't think ever feeling that life was *that* sucky, even during the stressful periods.
And because writing this down does nothing for me, I'll stop here and go play trivia because I am SUCH a lost cause. And find something else to listen to because these songs, much as I normally love them, right now make me want to tear my ears off.
Cya.
CRAP.
CRAP.
CRAP.
How difficult is it to focus on a book for two days?? Two days is all I need to learn my stuff, go take the exam, pass and be able to face everyone with a straight face.
One day gone. I only have one day until the exam. And I have a TON of stuff to study, and I know I won't.
I was just checking the university website to see if any more grades were up. None were. I just saw my 10 and my 8 in the list.
They are soon to be joined by a multitude of mediocre grades, including a few non-passing ones. I don't expect to have passed either Physiology and only a miracle will help me pass Organic Chemistry I with all the studying I *haven't* done all these days.
I know I will feel terribly ashamed when I see my grades. I already feel terribly ashamed at the thought of showing up for an exam having studied only as little as I have. I don't *do* that. I don't show up for exams with my faith to God as my only weapon. I *study*. And if I haven't studied, it's because I'm counting on my intelligence to get me through.
But in this instance, my intelligence - what's left of it, because right now I'm acting like a complete idiot, and none of you can say anything to the opposite - is NOT enough to help me through the exam alone. I am normally responsible, I normally CARE for my grades.
And I still care, in fact. I won't go "oh, I failed, whatever, next time". Maybe I will act like that around my fellow classmates, and around my parents. But in reality, I will be thinking, "that's what you get for not studying, you MORON. Now deal with failure."
I've never had to deal with failure. I've happened to, say, finish last in a swimming contest. But swimming was something different - it was something I wasn't talented at, and I stopped caring about it when I realized it. From a point onwards, I wasn't even trying.
Here we're talking about my studies. I'm in the university, doing something I want to do, something I *chose* to do because it was something I would *enjoy* doing. Worse yet - it's something I *had* been enjoying until recently.
I can't even go back to who I used to be - I do want it, but not enough to push me out of this state. "Ohbrotherness", we call it jokingly in Greek. It's when something has you like, "oh, brother". When something does annoy you, and you *are* interested in it, but not enough in order to bother with doing anything about it. All you can do is sit there and whine, hoping it will magically change.
This is what has become of me. I'm nothing more than a stupid, pathetic, unmotivated, whiny girl. I don't deserve your supportive comments, I don't even deserve the time you guys spend to read this. The only thing I deserve is to be clubbed on the head. And then have my computer and Internet connection taken away from me.
Which, in turn, will only manage to make me even more miserable.
I hate my life. Not in the "I want to die" way, in the "I want to change EVERYTHING about it" way. I need to take a break, away from everything that HAS to be done in a certain way - away from studying and from everyone's expectations and everything. I need to find myself again.
I wonder if this hadn't been brewing for a long time now. Since I stopped visiting the boards regularly, since I stopped reading for fun - *me*, a synonym of reading! Dad likes to place the start of my decline more recently, at the time when I started playing trivia IRC and met all the crew from there. But no matter when it started, and no matter what I was doing with my life, at least I was feeling happy, at ease with myself. I don't think ever feeling that life was *that* sucky, even during the stressful periods.
And because writing this down does nothing for me, I'll stop here and go play trivia because I am SUCH a lost cause. And find something else to listen to because these songs, much as I normally love them, right now make me want to tear my ears off.
Cya.
